beer goggles

Beer Goggles: my unfortunate mistake

This is a personal story of when I learned how beer goggles can affect you, even when you’re a little tipsy. My story is a little different from most beer goggles stories, but I think you can learn from it. Mythbusters called beer goggle plausible and Psychology Today verifies its validity.

To set the scene, this all started before my freshman year of college even began. A couple of my friends from my dorm and I went to an awesome college party at an unknown house we were driven to (I still don’t know where it is to this day). It was a little sketch, but I had heard good things about the party they threw the night before.

At this party, we have a great time but my friends got absolutely smashed. To the point that one of them went back to the dorm early and threw up all over his ride’s truck. It was another one of my friend’s first time drinking and he, Craig, decided to play king’s cup and couldn’t handle it. I also had a ton to drink, but being a heavyweight, I was doing pretty okay. I decided to leave with Craig a little early to make sure he got back to his dorm alright.

drunk friend

On the ride back, I got the numbers of three girls. One of which, I would consider attractive sober. Another, I would consider okay-looking. And the third, I have no attraction to whatsoever. However, I did not sleep with any of these girls (yet). And I know you’re wondering where the beer goggles mistake comes in.

Well, when I took Craig to his dorm room, I passed a group of people in a lounge area playing cards against humanity. So, after I dropped him off, I went back and joined these random strangers. I’m a pretty funny guy and fairly decent with girls, especially when I’m drunk. So of course, I flirted with all four of the girls in the group.

cards against humanity

Now, I could lie to you and tell you that the night ended with a fivesome. It would be a pretty legendary story and probably not considered a beer goggle mistake by many of y’all. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I actually did not hook up with anyone that night, but trust me, the beer google mistake is coming up.

I can still remember exactly what Emily’s face looked like to me that night. It checked off every one of my boxes. And in my mind at that time, her body was banging. Now, I’m not a shallow guy, but beer goggles will cause you to focus on physical attributes and consider them amazing. Emily and I are actually really good friends, which proves I don’t typically objectify women.

drunk goggled

Because Emily was such a beauty in my mind (sober me would rate her very low from 1-10), I flirted with her the most. And apparently, I was smooth that night, because she was flirting back. So we spent a few hours as a group having a good time before everyone went to bed.

Since I lived only a few doors down, I looked for her for the next few days. Since this was the week before school started, she decided to go back home for a few days so I never saw her at that time. Then school started and all and we texted for a bit but never met up.

I was okay with just texting, because there was another girl, Kate, that I was really into. Kate was exactly what I was looking for: smart, funny, nice, pretty, etc. You know the type. Kate was also really into me, so I was gonna ask her out, but…

I invited Kate to my dorm game-watching party for our first away game. We got a couple of bottles of Vodka and planned to have a good time. I invited a lot of people from my dorm, one of whom was Emily. And this is where the real fun begins.

watch party

I had 9 shots in as many minutes before either Kate or Emily showed up. Emily came first and she looked great (beer goggles). Kate came a few minutes later and I brought her up to my dorm. Emily introduced herself as my girlfriend to Kate which I denied, but that’s not the bad part of the story.

The real shit hits the fan when everyone but Kate and I got too drunk. Some of my friends went back to their dorms and later started puking. Emily stayed for a bit longer and had to throw up while I took one of my friends back to his room. That’s right, just Emily and Kate were in the room at the time.

Kate had to hold Emily’s hair back when she threw up in my trashcan. When I got back, she was pissed. Being the gentleman I am, I offered to take Kate back to her dorm after I got Emily back to her room. It was quite a walk and no one was outside because they were all watching the game, so on the way back, I got an earful of it.

drunk girl throwing up

Kate and I are still friends, but unfortunately, nothing more. We don’t text much and rarely see each other even though we live close by. I don’t know what would have happened, but I wish I had been able to take her out on a date the next weekend. If I could today, I would still take her on a date.

But my story isn’t over yet. The next night I invite Emily over to another party in my dorm. Yes, we drank and party a lot freshman year, but I swear I wasn’t an alcoholic. I invited her after the party had started so again, I already had beer goggles. As the party fizzled out, Emily and I were the last ones left in my dorm. She hadn’t drank a sip that night because of the previous night.

Me, still only having seen her while drinking, decided to make a move. First base led to second base, second led to third, and soon enough I had a condom on and we were really going at it. somewhere between 30 seconds and 30 minutes later (I didn’t have a stopwatch), I finished, took the condom off, and we started watching TV.

Well, I sobered up at some point and lost the beer goggles. And when I looked to my right, instead of seeing a 10, I saw a 2. Her face looked more like a man’s than a woman’s if I’m being honest and she was overweight, not thick. Maybe that’s your type, but it’s definitely not me. But, that’s the beer goggled mistake my mind made.

To recap, I met the ultimate girl next door and turned her into the one that got away. I then had embarrassing sex with a girl who I’d never have any sexual or romantic interest sober. I’d like to stress that Emily did not take advantage of me. I appear very sober even when I’m way too drunk to drive (I would never drive drunk, though) and had I been sober and she looked the way my beer googles made me think she looked, I would’ve plowed her given the chance 10/10 times.